Bella deserves a life
by auteurinconnu
Summary: What happened to Edward Cullen in during those seven fateful months that he and Bella were so painfully separated? How did he handle his heartache? One-Shot!


**A/N: I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters. All of the dialogue was written by Stephanie Meyer, I only chose to embellish on the always mysterious Edward Cullen...**

**This is my first fanfic! Any and all criticism is welcome and appreciated! I'm also open for suggestions for it's improvement!**

* * *

Bella Deserves a Life

* * *

I didn't know where I was.

Green and brown were flying past me at a rate that surprised even me. The speed with which I was running was alarming—leaves were whipped off their branches as I pushed past them. I normally left any and all vegetation virtually untouched as I raced through the forests of the Olympic Penninsula, but my reflexes cared not for the well-being of the forest any longer. I had no room for feeling left at all—my heart, as cold and immobile as it had been for the past eighty years was crumbling with every step that propelled me away from her.

Bella…

My Bella… oh, my Bella…

I had eighty years of practice in lying, with an arsenal of weapons to aid me in any quest of deception. If anyone had a chance to break through my carefully constructed defenses, it was Bella. She saw through me—No, not through me—_to_ me. She never fell for any pretense, she was honest, kind, and the kind of selfless I wish I could be. My selfish desires had nearly killed her on multiple occasions, and yet still I coveted her presence in my life. Willingly and knowingly put her in harm's way time and time again out of nothing more than selfishness. I deluded myself into thinking that I could keep her safe, harbor her from the treacherous monster I was simply because I loved her. Bella's birthday had brought that fantasy to an all-too cruel end. I was able to see myself clearly that night—to see myself for the monster that I was. Not because of how Jasper reacted, that could only be expected. His resistance is so much weaker—he has not yet adjusted to the lifestyle we Cullens have chosen for ourselves.

No, what disgusted me was _my_ reaction. For the briefest of seconds, when Bella had cut her delicate finger on the silver paper that Alice had wrapped my gift in, the red-eyed monster that fought for her destruction on the very first day I encountered her nearly gained control. Though I was able to cut off the air supply to my lungs before the dry-ache of the thirst took over my senses, there was the briefest moment of hesitation—a moment where I again pictured myself taking the life from my love.

A low snarl escaped my chest at the memory. I could not escape what I was, but I'd be damned if Bella didn't get a life. It was the only thing I could do right by her… to give her back her life.

I had prepared myself for a fight—I had prepared myself for hours of lie after lie, to convince her that the love I held for her existed no longer. I was ready to hear her confess her conviction in what we had over and over again, so certain, so secure.

But I had not prepared myself for what transpired. The ease… the ease with which she took my lies. The acceptance, unwilling and terrified, but the heartbreaking acceptance I saw in her honest brown eyes… Nothing could have prepared me for that.

The ache of her absence radiated within me—it was too surreal—I could hardly believe what was happening. I was literally in pain—physically, mentally, emotionally. I yearned for her presence, knowing it would calm me, bringing me relief…

_Dammit, no! Bella deserves a life._

Even though hardly a day had passed, the afternoon in which my meaning for existence had ended continued to play in my head like a horribly broken record from the seventies:

I walked Bella to her truck, too-conscious of what I was about to do. I could sense Bella's unease as she turned to face me. Knowing what was coming, I abruptly cut her off—hoping that being rude would help lessen her pain in her all too frail human memories. My memories of my human life were few and far between. We vampires had the ability to distinct memory from emotion, a quality humans had not yet developed, enabling our minds to absorb and retain every detail of every second of our existence with perfect clarity. I could only hope that as Bella's pain faded, so would her memories of me. It hurt me to think of her living without me, but I knew all too well that I cared for her far more than she cared for me. She had changed my immortal being, as Mr. Darcy had said: "bewitched me mind and soul" and for me, there was no turning back. I could only hope that by breaking my own heart, I would be sparing hers.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked, knowing full well that she wouldn't say no.

"Of course not." She looked hopeful for a moment, the briefest of smiles touching her lips. But her eyes were wary—afraid and uneasy. She could sense a ruse. I desired madly to be able to read her thoughts, to understand the conflict I saw in her eyes, but I had to stay focused. I could not afford to lose sight of what needed to be done.

"Now?" I asked as I opened the door for her. I tried to be as distant as possible while maintaining some sense of urgency. I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be able to prolong this any longer. The past three days had been complete agony. To be near Bella and act so… indifferent… it was torture. To see the doubt and fear in her eyes every time I dare look at her, which hardly happened because her beauty threatened to unravel all of my plans every time I looked at her, was painful to every extreme because I knew the pain was of my doing.

"Sure," she struggled to keep her voice even, as if fighting back against the changes she sensed.

God, I can't do this to her.

_She deserves more than this, Edward. She can be happy, and safe. She can live a long, healthy life with Charlie and Renee. She needs this. She deserves this._

"I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

The sheer normalcy of this statement almost knocked me off my feet. A chore like this seemed so trivial when my world was about to end. But I couldn't let my guard down—and I wanted to ensure she forgot all about my miserable existence. No memory of me could be left behind. I looked casually at the package and simultaneously snatched it from where it rested on the seat. Carlisle always said to destroy evidence; it was a cardinal rule of being a Cullen. It pained me that my deception had to begin here.

"I'll do it, and I'll still beat you there." I smiled half-heartedly, hoping that my act would pass as legitimate under her all too observing eyes.

"Okay," she didn't smile in return.

I hurried to my car, too quickly for a human, and sped off before I gave away any other indications of what was to come. My heart was breaking, but I couldn't allow her to see me falter. I had to convince her that there was more out there, that I wasn't enough for her. I wasn't good enough for her. I'd do whatever it would take to do it, even if it meant the foulest of lies. I gripped the steering wheel too tightly and felt the snap. My speed reached well over 100 in the two mile stretch between the school and her home. I felt another pang of regret shoot through my body as I pulled into Charlie's parking space—all too aware of what it meant.

I waited as patiently as I could for her truck to approach. All the while repeating the reasons for why I was about to do what I was about to do.

_She deserves a life. Bella deserves a life. She deserves a long, happy life._

I heard her truck before I saw it, and sucked in a deep breath as she rounded the corner. She didn't meet my eyes, instead looked at my car, concern immediately registering on her angelic features. She shook her head lightly and I watched as she mentally braced herself to get out of the car. As she opened her door, I got out of the Volvo and walked over to her, offering to take her bag out of mere habit. No, Edward, this isn't like everyday… I stiffened and placed the bag unceremoniously back on the seat of her car, clearing my head and bracing myself mentally.

_She deserves a life. _

"Come for a walk with me," it wasn't a question, because I didn't want to start fighting with her before it was necessary. She obliged, but was inexorably hesitant as she took my hand. I could feel her panic in her warm, soft hand. We walked through her yard to the path leading into the forest, a place that made for a fast escape, so as to make this as clean as possible for Bella. I had already sent away Alice and Esme, and the rest of my family. Their goodbye would only make it harder for her. I wanted to cause her as little pain as possible—so she could move on and enjoy her life without our complications. I stopped on the path where we were still in view of her home, knowing that to take her any further would be asking for trouble. Her sense of direction was poor at best and her sense of balance even worse. I almost smiled as I remembered Bella's klutziness. I would miss catching her when she fell.

No, I couldn't allow myself to get caught up in the past. This was about the future. Bella's future.

_She deserves a life._

I allowed my expression to harden as I turned towards her and leaned causally against a tree.

"Okay, let's talk," Her bravado was impressive, given the panic I saw in her eyes and heard the increase in her heart rate. I took a deep breath before I began.

_She deserves a life._

"Bella, we're leaving." I could see the acceptance and relief flood her features. She thought she was coming with me. I wished with everything that I was that I could take her with me. To have her in my arms forever. Oh, God. Bella…

_No. She deserves a life._

"Why now? Another year—" I knew what she was getting at. I had to make this quick and painless.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

I could see the confusion on her face as she took in what I had said. I kept my expression as stony and distant as possible, I couldn't break now. I watched her as she realized the sad, empty truth. I wanted nothing more than to take her into my arms and hold her and tell her that I wanted to be with her forever. But I couldn't, not now. Not when she needed me to be strong for her—for her future—for her happiness.

"Okay, I'll come with you."

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going… It's not the right place for you." Oh, Bella. If only you knew how badly I wanted you to be with me. My chest ached at the thought of being without her—throbbing with every breath I took in as I steadied myself for her response. I had to do right by her, this was the only way, the only option that I could live with.

"Where you are is the right place for me."

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

If only she knew the truth behind these words. If only she understood the monster that I was—the demon that was who I saw when I looked in the mirror. I loathed myself for allowing it to get this far, but I was hopelessly in love with her. Bella was my life, but she needed and deserved more than I could ever give her. I wanted to keep her forever, but I would not, could not, take away her soul. I could never live with myself if I did that to her.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." The throbbing in my chest became pounding. The pain came in waves. I had never felt so human before, and yet I turned away from my humanity, and relied on my vampire abilities to make it through this. I knew Bella deserved more, I had to make sure that she got it.

"My world is not for you."

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" Her conviction was surprising to me, and the force with which she exclaimed it nearly caused me to take a step back. However, I had predicted this would come, and had my response prepared as if it was a line I could read from a cue-card.

"You're right, it was exactly what was to be expected." And something I would never allow to happen again. I would never put her in danger like that again.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—" Again, I was ready for this. My perfect memory left little to be debated on the issue. I quickly interjected.

"As long as that was best for you,"

"NO! This is about my soul, isn't it?" I was not ready for this, I had never mentioned my belief on the issue to her, however, I was not about to be swayed. She was growing more and more desperate with every sentence, it was unbearable. "Carlisle told me about that," Ah, that explains it. "and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul, I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

This had unsteadied me. I looked away from her pleading, hurting eyes and stared at the ground. I was little more than the dirt for what I was about to do to her. My face twisted in agony unconsciously and I quickly worked to right it. I had to take a moment to steel my nerves. I couldn't deliver this looking at the ground, I had to convince her that I meant it. That required looking into her eyes—I wasn't sure that I could handle the pain. My chest continued to throb uneasily. I forced myself to think about what could, and what had happened to her because of my pitiful existence. The video James had made played in my head, the look on Jasper's face after she had cut her finger, the monster within me that fought against my repression of the thirst. I stopped breathing, her scent protested every word that was about to come out of my mouth.

_Dammit, Edward. Bella deserves more than you. Bella deserves a life. To be selfish is to condemn her to an eternity of night. Bella deserves a life._

I looked up at her, expressionless, "Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

The silence was deafening, I could do nothing more than look at her. What I saw shocked me. I was prepared for a fight. But there was no fight in her eyes. Her beautiful, clear brown eyes. There was defeat. I cursed myself internally as I watched her confusion.

"You… don't… want me?"

_BELLA… DESERVES… A LIFE._

"No."

She looked at me, confused, searching for the truth. I stared back at her, knowing the words that had just passed through my lips were the foulest of foul. I had denounced my love for her, a lie more severe than any I could have ever told. I was still concentrated on her eyes, and I watched as her final attempt at hope left them.

"Well, that changes things."

I had to look away from her as I spoke, " Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night make me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." Come on Bella, fight. Fight for us. I subconsciously hoped that she would fight harder, give me a reason to re-think what I was doing. _I love you! I love you now, I love you forever!_ I screamed in my head. I wanted to shake her back to reality, to tell her that this was all a sick joke. I was grateful I wasn't looking at her, I don't think I could have bared the pain that would sit in her eyes. But I had to force myself to face her. I was going to do this.

_Bella deserves a life._

"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." I finished quickly, knowing that I desired nothing more than to allow our romance to flourish for decades.

"Don't." She whispered weakly. "Don't do this." Her eyes glazed over, acceptance filling the space between us. This, of everything, was the hardest. As I looked into her eyes, I saw what I wished for and feared above all else. She believed me. At first, I was surprised at the ease with which she accepted my lies as the truth—but it was instantly overtaken with pain. She truly believed that I no longer loved her. Had I not told her that I did thousands upon thousands of times before? Had she already forgotten every kiss? Every caress?

"You're not good for me, Bella." I was lower than low. The throbbing in my chest was threatening to break a hole in my skin, giving me away. How glad I was that I didn't have a heart to beat. I was watching her heart break to pieces in front of me, and I was to blame. I hated myself for doing this to her, but she deserved a family, a husband that wouldn't be risking killing her every time he touched her, or breathed her in. She deserved more than I could ever imagine giving her.

"If… that's what you want."

I was so tortured, I couldn't even find it in me to speak. I merely nodded, heartbroken, at the loss. I had to keep control. She had to think I was over her, so she could move on. Meet someone new, have a family. Jealousy sprang to life in the pit of my stomach at the thought of her with someone else. I imagined her walking down the aisle with Mike Newton, the green monster in my belly roared in outrage—but I had to let her go, I had to do this. The emotions were too much for me to handle, I was going to break.

Before I even knew what I was saying, words were spilling out of my mouth. My self-control was slipping. "I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

"Anything."

She looked up at me, with pain etched into every single one of her features. Her eyes screamed in protest—their strength shocking me and weakening my resolve. Even though I was breaking her heart, it was perfectly clear in her eyes that she would still have given her life to protect me. That one word, 'anything' rang with more honesty than I had ever heard before in my entire existence. My emotionless face broke, and I struggled to gain control again.

God, I can't do this. I can't do this to her. I love her too much. I love you, Bella? Can't you see! I'm standing right here, I love you forever, Bella!

_DAMMIT, EDWARD, BELLA DESERVES A DAMN LIFE! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! Can't you do anything right?! She deserves a life without fear, without pain!_

Instantly, I found my resolve. But I had to make sure she was safe. "Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I commanded, knowing she would listen, every emotion I was feeling put into those words—the full force of my love pouring out to her, "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

If for anything at all, I was terrified of leaving her, knowing that I wouldn't be there to protect her. Bella needed protection that much was for sure. If there was trouble, she would most certainly find it.

She nodded weakly and whispered "I will."

I steeled myself for what was coming next—because in this, I would be saying goodbye forever. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

Bella's frame started to shake violently. I wanted to pull her close and hold her until she was calm and safe and happy again. But I couldn't.

_Bella deserves a life._

The thought of holding her in my arms made me smile. "Don't worry. You're human your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

She choked back tears, "And your memories?"

"Well," I paused, I will remember you every minute of every day of forever, my love, my Bella, "I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted." I tried to make light of the situation, and tried to smile. But it was weak at best. I had been preparing myself for this. I stepped backwards. "That's everything, I suppose," Oh, Bella, you are my everything and more, "We won't bother you again."

Her head snapped up in surprise. Another realization flittered across her face, followed by more immense pain. My chest's pounding picked up tenfold. "Alice isn't coming back." It was hardly more than a whisper—and there was so much pain in her voice.

Again, I couldn't speak. I shook my head slowly, watching and listening. "No, they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" She choked out.

I had to help the pain, somehow, I had to help. "She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I hoped that by blaming myself, she would know that my family still wanted her, and disagreed vehemently (with the exception of Rosalie) with the decision that I was making. Even now, I struggled with what I was doing.

_No, Bella deserves a life._

"Goodbye, Bella," I said. I surprised myself with the ease at which they words passed through my icy lips. I had been preparing myself for this moment for three days, and still, to hear those words as they left my mouth threatened to ruin my perfectly constructed façade.

"Wait!" She pleaded, trying to come towards me. She reached for me, but I couldn't allow it, though the pounding in my chest howled violently for it. Inhumanly fast, I grabbed her wrists and pinned them to her sides. The touch sent a spark through my entire body but I had to resist. She was so warm, so trusting, so hurt…

With a heavy heart, I bent forward ever so slightly to kiss her perfect forehead. I couldn't bear to look into her honest, brown eyes again. The pain locked within them mirrored my own, but to see the heartbreak etched on the lines of her beautiful face was more than I could stand.

_She deserves a life, Edward. She deserves a chance to live a full and happy life, one without the complications you provide. She deserves better than that. She deserves better than you._

As I let my lips graze her forehead, I inhaled—breathing her scent in for what I knew was the last time. God, she smelled amazing. Floral—like freesia—combined with the sweetness of her strawberry shampoo. I committed her scent to memory, knowing it would be forever carved into the caverns of my mind.

I closed my eyes for the briefest of moments, picturing her beautiful smile as I prepared myself to let go. I could feel her pulse quicken with panic beneath my cold, inhuman fingers. I held them in place at her sides against every instinct I had. There was nothing I wanted more than to have her arms wrapped tightly around the back of my neck. Nothing I could ever want more than to feel her heartbeat against my ear as I lay, perfectly content, in her arms.

_She deserves a life, Edward. Let her go, give her back her freedom. Do not condemn her as you yourself have been condemned. She deserves to be happy._

"Take care of yourself," I managed to whisper before the pain overtook me. I turned and ran with every bit of speed I could muster… away from her…

I took off into the forest running with all of the force I possessed. But I still had work to finish—my departure was not yet complete. I turned abruptly and ran back towards her home, the pounding in my chest pushing me forward. I arrived at her home within seconds—and turned to look at the path. She was gone. With my acute hearing, I listened as she stumbled through the forest in an attempt to follow me. In a panic, I raced to the kitchen. I would not have her harmed at my hands; I had done enough damage as it was. In her feminine scrawl I wrote a note to Charlie, indicating to him where she would be, trusting that he would take care of my angel.

I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of her kitchen for the last time.

In an instant, I was in her room. I moved furiously so as to avoid the pain only momentarily. I gathered all belongings that indicated my family's… my existence in her life. I went to the CD player and took out the CD of my compositions, took from her desk the plane tickets that Carlisle and Esme had purchased for us, and finally, I removed from her scrapbook the pictures of myself. I stood in the center of her room, holding the belongings I knew that she cherished and could not will myself to move. I was completely torn between my desire for her to be free and of my selfish want for her to keep me with her forever. Without thinking, I ripped up a floorboard and gingerly placed each item in the small cavernous space I'd just created. I carefully replaced the board and stood up, turning slowly to look at the room that held my entire life for the last time.

The throbbing in my chest overtook me as I got behind the wheel of the Volvo and sped away. I drove north, to the Denali clan… knowing that once I arrived I would be free to run away from the pain that had now consumed my very being…

Oh, Bella… My Bella…

My memories of yesterday crept in to my thoughts with a force I knew I couldn't win against.

And still, I fought against them with every ounce of strength I possessed—I had never in all of my existence faced a challenge such as this. Even the pain of my transformation seemed shadowed by the waves of self-inflicted torment that were coursing through my body. The pounding in my chest had become a hole—my heart was there no more.

My light, my life, my love…

I had left them all behind.

* * *

**A/N: So what did you think? I'd like to write more about his time away... his interactions with his family, tracking Victoria, and, of course, those fateful phone calls that changed everything... any ideas? I've got a few, and I've already started writing the next chapter. This is the first time I've done this, so please let me know what you think!**

**I'd like to give a special thanks to Stephenie Meyer, whose brilliance inspired this story (see the extras of New Moon on her website, they are fantastic!), and a shout-out to spyroeldragon, horsecrazyjr., 0xym0r0nic, SuperPBJ, Bree751, and Ash-Mercury for giving me my very first (and very kind) reviews! **

* * *


End file.
